How do you write a book for a child you’ve never met? How do you say to a little girl, “We’d love to be your forever family” and put it all together so that it means something more than just words and photos on a page? How do you do it within a short amount of time, because you know the sooner you complete it, the sooner you will get to meet her?
I stare at the page, and I can’t seem to formulate the words. When you bring home a baby from the hospital you are all they ever know. When you bring home a 4 year old…
I don’t even have 9 months to prepare…and just knowing…just knowing the sooner we are able to visit the sooner we might be able to bring her home…and yet…imagine how she feels…we are unknowns to her. Right now we are strangers.
Will she like us? Will she like the house? How will she and James get along? He seems quite receptive and has already been talking with me about things we could do with her and for her. Still…it seems like a dream…like we’re just talking about something that “could” happen. He and I had these conversations…four years ago.
My mind can’t stop…so much to do. My house needs preparation. My job needs attention. My coursework needs completion. My puppy needs house trained. My blog needs an overhaul. My mind is full and yet…it’s blank.
I don’t even know how to get excited. I have moments when I try to say, “I’m going to have a daughter.” I look at her photo and think, “I’m going to be her mom.” Then the walls come back up. “Am I really going to be her mom? What if visits don’t go well? What if everything falls apart?” You can tell me it’s going to be okay, but is it really? I know what it is like to throw caution to the wind and then to have the wind knock you flat on your face.
I also know that even in my disappointments, God is faithful. To everything, there is purpose. Am I strong enough for what lies ahead? Do I have what it takes?
Four years ago we purchased and later packed away a purple sock monkey and a pink and white puppy for one little girl who we thought was going to be our daughter, and now, I’m trying to write them into a book for another little girl who actually could be our daughter. Wrap your mind around that one…stuffed animals bought the same year two girls were born. Two girls with two very different life stories.
I’ve read all kinds of words this week pertaining to her life and her circumstances. Words on a page detailing why she is in need of a forever home.
Now there are no words within me…but I need to find them…for her.