It’s Tuesday, August 16, and James and I are sorting through things in the basement. He is eagerly setting aside more for a yard sale than I had anticipated – but this is a good thing. Now that he better understands the concept of money, he is ready to part with some things to put towards something else that he might actually play with. I look at the baby crib that I’ve looked at these last 4 years in particular, and I decide, “I’m done with the what if’s. It’s time to sell this and other baby things. If I ever get pregnant or a baby comes through adoption, I’d be excited to shop for something new. In the meantime, I can’t keep looking at all of this baby stuff thinking ‘what if….’ I have to look at ‘what is.'”
I have done a lot of reflecting this summer. I turned down an opportunity to teach a college level math course in the Spring of 2017 because come December my Level 2 Autism course will be done. For 4 years my time has been divided between either 2 different teaching positions, or teaching and Masters studies/additional course work. I really feel in my heart for this season it’s time to set aside all of the “extras” and put my energies into my family, my work, and perhaps, my writing.
I diligently wipe the crib down with a cloth, show James his “teeth marks” from when he was teething, and move the crib to the other side of the basement with slightly moistened eyes. I start to scan the bin of boy clothes, girl clothes, and even maternity clothes that have been packed away for years and determine to sort through them in the coming weeks. “What if” nags at my mind. “What is” reminds me God is in the details. I can’t fully explain it, but even in that moment there was an excitement of moving forward with my life as it is and “letting go” of the “what if’s.” I’m going to live my life as fully as I can with “what is” and anticipate “what is” to come. This September, my life is Ben, James, school, and a new puppy.
Then the phone rings…
It’s our social worker, and she wants to meet with us about a referral.
I’m not giving details out in public at this point. I can tell you it is not for a baby but for a child slightly younger than James which during this season is what we were hoping for. We haven’t talked to James about it as we’d prefer to wait and see if we proceed further once we have more details. We’ve messaged some friends and family for prayer and encouragement. We have some details but not enough to say “yes” we are going to move forward with this.
We will be having more meetings with additional people in the coming weeks to determine whether this is a “yes” or a “no,” but I will say at this point it looks positive. When the social worker came to visit, we were fully prepared to say “no” based on what case was presented to us. That may sound insensitive, but if you know us, you would understand our circumstances and our journey.
My mind and my heart are having a hard time not moving forward with the “what if’s.” I’m doing my best and praying through “what is.” I hesitated to even post, but if things don’t work out, despite the walls I’ve built around my heart, I will be disappointed. If things do move forward, I will experience other emotions that I will need to navigate through. I don’t need negativity. I know the pros and cons. I’ve heard the good adoptions stories and the bad adoption stories. What is clear, is that there is little person in need of a home. It may be our home; it may not be. There is much I want to share about some of the details that seem to fit us and our circumstances so perfectly, but at this point, I’d rather keep those to a minimum in the blogging world.
“What is” clear is that we need specific prayer for wisdom and for God’s will to be accomplished. Thanks for sharing in the journey.