I have come to the point with adoption where I just don’t. I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t know how to hope. I just don’t know whether or not this is the path we are to continue to pursue. Ten years, 2 failed adoptions, numerous leads that have never panned out…and yet, despite all of the ups and downs, when I look at my son I am continually reminded of how God provided in one of my darkest hours. I remember, and yet, I still doubt.
Perhaps because in another one of my darkest hours, despite the courage I was given to finish well, I am worn. I have moved forward, and yet, I am static.
I’m tired. I’m getting older. I just don’t know that I have what it takes to keep pursuing this path, and quite frankly, I won’t know until I really pursue God the way I have in days gone by. I started off the new year strong, but February came with its winds and its sadness, and so when it comes to my spiritual disciplines, I am listless.
There are times when I have this overwhelming sense that I have another child/other children out there, and I just want to get them home. There are also times, when I look at my happy, healthy little boy, and I am content to have my one and only. My dream of being called “mom” is reality.
There is more to be written and things that have yet to be told, but I am still trying to believe.
We are currently waiting for a referral. All paperwork is complete. All visitations are finished. Two case workers sat in our living room with our social worker earlier this month to talk about who we would consider adopting. No specific children, just potential scenarios were discussed. We are not afraid to say “no” if we don’t feel a referral would be a right fit. Come summer, we will be given the option of updating our file again. We’re told it won’t be quite as intensive but it will still involve criminal record checks and other things. Come summer, we are not sure what we will do.
Doubtful, worn, static, listless, and still trying to believe.
With Easter approaching, I am reminded of new beginnings, and I know those words will be replaced with:
Hopeful, renewed, active, awake, and believing in the impossible.
Lord, Please help me believe, because I don’t want to miss any miracles.