Definition of “game face” according to the urban dictionary: “a confident swagger you bring out when you are about to get ready to tackle something difficult, or when you are about to take on a challenge. Or when you are getting ready to get down to hard business.”
Some days I just want to call it “quits” when it comes to adoption. Forget the “game face.” I’m 33 years old. I have an awesome husband and an amazing son. I’m furthering my education, and Lord willing, will have my MEd by the end of the year or shortly thereafter, depending on the scheduling of my additional courses. Our family is healthy and happy, and although there are the financial stresses and strains of life along with other things that come our way, we are stable. Adoption is exhausting.
I haven’t had to mourn the loss of babies through miscarriage. I’ve never been pregnant. I’ve dealt with more than one adoption loss, and the most recent one was enough for me to say, “Okay God. I’m done. I was obedient. I saw things through. I’m tired. I need rest. How about I stop thinking about the growth of my family regarding siblings for our son and just focus on what is?” Parenting an adopted child is in and of itself full of conversations and experiences that no parent of a biological child has to consider…especially when you’re us. That statement can be clarified on another day, but if you’ve followed our story, our circumstances are indeed quite unique, and James is a very inquisitive boy who has been very aware of many things from the time he was 2. Perhaps we’re meant to have an only child.
March of this year Ben stopped into social development to see what the status of our file was. We had finally decided to proceed with the provincial adoption process. In January we worked hard to see that all of our references were handed in along with our paperwork, but we hadn’t heard anything. When Ben spoke to a case worker who had once been assigned to us, she gave him good news and bad news. The good news was that the provincial infant wait list (age 0-2 years) had been significantly shortened, and that they were currently reviewing names on the list from 2009. Our names were bumped to 2010, the year James was born, so essentially, they could be looking at our names within the next few years. The bad news was that our file was in limbo as currently there was no case worker assigned to us. They were short staffed and needed the position filled, and we were told by the end of March someone would be assigned to us. The end of March came….and went. April came…and it nearly went. April 15, I e-mailed the case worker who was no longer assigned to us to try and find some answers. April 23, I received a response with the name of an adoption supervisor and the assistant who oversees the files. I e-mailed them both immediately, and before the morning was out, our new case worker had been assigned to us, contacted us, and set up a meeting for this coming week. We were given a heads up that more paperwork will need to be completed as there is a new format for completing home studies, and we will find out more about it this coming Tuesday at 1:00 pm. More paperwork?
Wednesday included some other things that were a bit discouraging, but this was encouraging. As the day progressed I was mulling things over in my mind thinking, “By now I should be done having children. If things had gone according to how I’d planned…” That was a big mistake. The Lord quickly stopped me in my line of thought and reminded me…it’s not about how I planned it, it’s about how He orders my steps. Proverbs 16:9 says, We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” As I reflected on his faithfulness I noted that when a door closed He opened another…whether it was through our son James, a job, education…you name it, God had it… His timing…You can’t tell me it was a coincidence that we found out about James a week after our International adoption failed. You can’t tell me it was a coincidence that I was hired to teach at a school practically a month before my husband’s job was changed drastically and resulted in a significant loss of income, not to mention God used the job to keep me from falling into depression while I dealt with concerns for my husband’s job situation and a significant adoption loss. You can’t tell me that it was a coincidence that Crandall opted to bring in a Master’s program the year I was looking into it, and that I was able to immediately start courses for their Certificate Program in the specialty I wanted for my MEd before the Master’s Program was finalized. Just last week (8 months after applying), I received my acceptance letter into UNB’s MEd program, but I’m already 3 courses in with Crandall, so I’m obviously meant to complete my studies sooner than later. His timing…and those are only a few instances mentioned.
I know we are to see this through. God will make it clear what His plans are for our family. Adoption. Pregnancy. He’s got this. He needs to refine me more before I am able to handle what lies ahead, and everything I have experienced and will experience in the coming days, is only going to make me stronger so long as I keep placing Him first in my life.
So I guess it’s time for me to get stop griping about being tired and get my game face on. Let’s do this!