Trying to find rest in the dream…

I’ve been somewhat dreaming about this next baby and writing her letters like I did for James, but some days I find it a bit hard. I guess you could say I’m afraid to dream in fear of my dream not coming true. Our birth mother is in good spirits these days, despite a few setbacks. I am grateful that she is keeping me in the know, even though it makes me anxious at times. I just continually have to hand it back over to the Lord and keep believing that He has my best interests at heart. A few things you can be praying for…

1. Health for birth mom and baby:  The birth mom had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and baby girl’s heartbeat couldn’t be found.  The doctor sent her for an immediate ultrasound, and thankfully a strong heartbeat was found.  However, the uterine infection is still there and no meds have been prescribed since the doctor is still waiting to hear from a specialist as to whether or not it would be safe for baby girl.  Another doctor’s appointment is set for 2 weeks from now.

2.  Birth dad:  The birth dad was contacted by social services, and despite the fact he knew birth mom had chosen adoption, he was not impressed with the phone call.  He then proceeded to tell her he’d been doing some research on private adoption and that he believed she was getting paid.  She quickly informed him that it would be illegal for that to happen.  Ben and I couldn’t even buy James’ birth mom flowers when she was in the hospital after delivery for fear the province would think we were bribing her!   The birth dad didn’t seem to believe her and said some other things that I’d prefer to not write about.  Let’s just say it wasn’t encouraging. At this point, I’m not sure what to expect from him and figure he could make things difficult with regards to paperwork.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on the roots of my son James, and Lord willing, of my daughter.  The thought had never really occurred to me that one of my children could have birth parents who are involved in his life and the other may have birth parents who aren’t.  It’s hard enough to have to plant the seeds for when you fully explain to your child he is adopted.  James already knows that his birth parents, whom he refers to as “Auntie” and “Uncle” are connected to him in a special way, as I tell him this in conversations often.  I’m currently planning to put together a couple of shadow boxes for his room.  One that deals with his “roots” (biological) and the other with his “heritage” (our family).  His story is one that should be celebrated and one he can take pride in.  Baby girl’s story might be a little different, but I will do my utmost to make it just as special for her, even if birth dad isn’t around.  Will she wonder why James’ birth dad comes to visit occasionally throughout the year and hers doesn’t?  Yes, I realize a lot can happen between now and then, but if you’ve never been an adoptive parent, I don’t know if you can fully appreciate the complexities of a situation such as this.  When one has biological children, he/she doesn’t have to have a conversation with them about adoption, think about visits with the biological parents of their children, or figure their way around questions such as, “I’m surprised he doesn’t look like you.  You have such dark hair and eyes.”  It’s easy to juggle things when your child is 2, but when they’re 12, do I really want my son to hear, “He’s adopted” all the time?  No.  He’s a part of our family.  He’s been grafted into the Canney family tree.  It is as though he were our own flesh and blood.  James’ story has been so beautiful and more than I could have hoped for with regards to the relationship we have with his birth parents.

I remember wondering if I would be strong enough to handle another situation with regards to private adoption, and here I am again, wondering what the outcome will be.  Most days I don’t worry.  Our relationship with the birth mom is great, and when it comes to the baby’s health and the birth dad, what good will my worrying do?

Most days I find rest in the dream of bringing home another little bundle…the dream of watching my son play with his younger sister…the dream of seeing them share the common bond of adoption and yet take pride in the family they’ve been grafted into…and should something happen to destroy my dream I have to recall the times in the past when God has given me the grace to handle things when I needed it most:  the disappointing news that I may never get pregnant, the bankrupt International adoption agency, the continued frustrations with trying to find answers to my health (will update on an upcoming doctor’s appointment with regards to the endometriosis)…I will not be shaken. My faith will stay.  Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  We need it!

Categories: Uncategorized | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Trying to find rest in the dream…

  1. Dad Graham

    I am one proud dad! You have the gift of writing that may be, in part, passed down from Grammy Graham. Our prayers and hopes are with you.

  2. Ainsleey

    You are one amazing woman Sarah Canney!!!! Praying for you and your precious new little baby:)

  3. Elva

    You are so awesome. Love to read your stories. Will be praying for you.

  4. jennifer

    i accidently ran acrossed your blog. it has been a great encourgement to me . I am not able to have children and my husband and i are on the adoption list. I am now at peace that the mommy that I so want to be may not be in the pitchure. God know whats best for me and my family

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