Wondering…

Lately I’ve been wondering how we’re meant to proceed with adopting a brother or sister for James. I was certain it was International at one point, but with me recently deciding to be home as a mom the $300 it takes to reopen our file seems like a lot.  We will also have to pay that fee every year until the adoption goes through.  I’m still going to substitute teach, but work has been slow, and the small debt we worked to pay off this past year has recently been added to with Ben’s acceptance into a Masters program.  If believe I’m to be a stay-at-home mom, and with the winter months approaching we’re doing well to pay for gas and groceries, what does that mean when it comes to adopting Internationally? Where is my faith?

I have to admit that I have still been hoping God would heal me, but that almost seems too easy, doesn’t it?  I know with God ALL things are possible, so even a large loan to pay for International adoption should be able to get paid off without me having to work full time, right? For some reason the money factor seems like a bigger mountain to me than the healing factor – even with people in our circle of influence offering to help out financially through loans etc. if/when we need it. I thought I had laid the hope of getting pregnant to rest, until all of the “You know so-and-so didn’t think they could have children until they adopted, and then they got pregnant” stories came along.  I guarded my heart.  I built a wall around it and tried to protect that area as much as possible…but then I started to think – maybe that could be us.  But what if it’s not us?  What if I’m never healed? Will you accuse me of having some sin in my life or of not having enough faith to believe? That may sound insensitive, but there are those who hold to that philosophy.What if my purpose is to be barren so that I can pray babies into other families lives? Is that an odd thought?  Why was a friend so burdened for me to get pregnant she fasted gluten with me for an entire year?  Was that all for naught? So many things I’ve been wondering about…

I had asked God to give me a baby at least once before James was born, and He gave me that.  So it seems selfish of me to want anything more when I’ve been blessed in such a huge way.

So I’m wondering…what do we do next?  Finish the paperwork is a start.  I had been all gung-ho and then I lost momentum when I thought Haiti might not happen.  Pray about the $300. Open our Provincial file for a 3-5 year old and pray about that.

Pray that the decisions we make will be right for our whole family – James included.

As for the hope of a pregnancy, I’m selling the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and other pregnancy related books.  This isn’t to say I won’t hope, but it’s to say I don’t want to look at them anymore.  It’s another area I need to lay to rest.  If I am healed, I’m sure it won’t be hard to find those books again.  Besides, my sister Maridel is a walking encyclopedia, and I know whatever the circumstances she’ll be happy to answer my questions 🙂

There is comfort in knowing the Lord knows what we need.  I just need to stop wondering and start praying more specifically for wisdom and understanding.  If God had given me what I wanted, WHEN I wanted it, I wouldn’t have James, and I wouldn’t be who I am.  It’s obvious You know what is best for me.

So I surrender Lord.  I choose to be content in all my circumstances.  I choose to trust You as Jehovah-Jireh – my provider – in ALL areas of my life and the life of my family.

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