Where has the time gone? I seriously don’t know. I’ve been trying to plan past February 2nd, but I’m stumped on this one. I still can’t wrap my mind around motherhood after wanting to be a mom for so long!
It’s funny how when you are planning a family, you try to have your p’s and q’s all in order – or at least, I did. You know, like when I had full contract work and could have benefited from maternity leave – now that would have been an ideal time to have a baby. Now it seems we’re strapped with house payments and juggling the bills. I’m not working full time and have no “benefits” – or at least that’s how I use to look at things. My perspective has changed in the last few months as I’ve learned more about how God looks after our needs. Sometimes I start to worry, and then I have to remind myself about the Scripture in Matthew where God talks about looking after the birds and flowers, so of course He’ll look after us.
Indeed, God doesn’t run according to our plans and our schedule. Although sometimes we wish He did, His timing is always perfect. Although waiting 4.5 years for a baby may not seem like perfect timing, God has a bigger plan. It just takes time for us as humans to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Since I haven’t been able to conceive, I have poured my heart into my career. I love teaching immensely. Yet now that I’m going to be a mom, I’m wrestling with things. Could this be the only baby I will get to have? If so, do I want to miss out on all of his “firsts”? I have to admit, that not having a full time contract allows less pressure for me to decide about being home with my baby. Financially things will be tight, but substitute teaching a few days a week with mom next door doesn’t seem like such a bad solution when parental leave runs out. I’m told I won’t want to leave my son, and I’m sure that will be the case. Oh the pressure we as women face to juggle it all! The Lord has blessed me with such great relationships at the local schools, that they usually book me ahead and have already said they’d work with my schedule whenever I was ready. With regards to bills, legal included, once again it is an opportunity for my faith to grow. If this is God’s timing for us to be parents, then He will indeed provide. Sometimes I think I had more faith with funds for the International than I do with the private adoption! Oh how God must get frustrated with my fickleness.
Here I am a week before this child will be born, and I have to pinch myself. Is this for real? Am I really going to be a mom? We still have some obstacles to go through – a home assessment, the legal process, 30 days of waiting to ensure Wendy is indeed at peace with her decision…I am a bundle of nerves and excitement.
The room is nearly put together. The baby gear has been assembled. My house is in order. My heart is set. Today, Wendy wrote us a timely note and thanked us for being a part of her life, but in response I had to say, “Thank you, Wendy, for being a part of ours.” Throughout the emotional ups and downs of this journey, including the legal process (which still stresses me out at times), Ben has said to me, “I believe God chose us for Wendy and Wendy for us.” It may seem like a simple statement, but there’s a lot of meaning in it for us.
Who will this child be? What will he become? How will he live his life? So many things that must play out in time. My biggest fear is that since we’ve waited for him so long, and since many have been praying for him to come to us, expectations are too high. Will he grow up to be proud and conceited? I hope not. I hope he is a man of humility who treats others with respect. I hope he will know the value of a good work ethic. I hope a great many things…but most of all I hope He will live a life for Christ.
One week from today, Lord willing, Ben and I will be holding a little baby boy whom Wendy will entrust to us. As if parenting didn’t have enough pressure, there is the pressure of wanting her to be proud of the man whom He becomes. She is in essence saying to us, “I trust you to raise him well.” I am still baffled by this selflessness which she displays. She wants to be his mom. I know that full well, and yet, she wants him to have a home with a mom, dad, and all the “extras” that come with a family.
Why did God choose us for Wendy and Wendy for us? He knew we needed each other, that’s why. He knew that family is more than a bloodline. He knew that we needed to see that as much as we made “plans,” His are more important. His grace is indeed sufficient.