It’s been a 4.5 year journey to this 13 days leading up to the birth of our first born. Here are some glimpses into my heart from the past 4.5 years. I don’t include all of the details as these are meant for our son when he is older. I will start new letters for my second child, as I suspect it will be another journey all of its own. I just want my children to understand someday how very much I loved them and thought of them before they were even conceived.
Saturday, September 3, 2005 (my first entry)
To my knowledge, I haven’t conceived you just yet, but I’m writing to you to let you know that long before I met you, I’ve been thinking about you. I really hope that I have the privilege of carrying you in my belly for 9 months, but if for some reason I don’t get to, and I have to adopt you, I will love you just the same. I think about you a lot… I even worry about you – I worry about your health and I worry about the things you may have to face in this world. I realize these are things that I need to leave in God’s hands, and I hope and pray that as you grow you will realize how important it is to have Jesus in your heart and life…
I don’t know how long I will have to wait for you to come along but God does. I hope that you come soon…Until I hear for sure that you’re on the way, I’ll be praying for you to come in God’s time because He ultimately knows what’s best for you, me, and your daddy.
Saturday, December 3, 2005 (last paragraph)
I hope you’ll come soon, but I have to trust God’s timing as He ultimately knows your purpose. Your Aunt Maridel will be having a baby in March (2006), and it would be fun to have you in the same year.
March 7, 2007
It’s been nearly 2 years, and I’m still waiting for you to come…In August your Daddy and I plan to go to the Ukraine on a missions trip. I must admit that it is hard for me at times to see other people with their baby/babies, but I am trusting in the Lord’s timing. I’ve prayed for certain things to happen and they have – even your Uncle Brent and Aunt Amanda are expecting…Hopefully we won’t have to wait for you much longer…
September 23, 2007
Your daddy and I are finding it harder to wait for you, but we both have a peace and believe we’ve left it in God’s hands…I believe in God’s timing, and perhaps He’s teaching me that He is all I need to be satisfied…I’m meeting with my doctor on October 9 and I plan on having tests done…If I’m told that I cannot conceive then I will prayerfully adopt you from a foreign land. I love my life, my husband, my home, my teaching job, my family. I’m so blessed and yet – I still can’t wait to meet you.
February 13, 2008
I am so anxious to meet you sometimes I can hardly hold in my excitement. Your daddy and I have started the adoption process in case we can’t conceive you. We’ve already filled out some papers and there’ll be more. It’ll all be worth it…I’ve made my peace, and if God feels you should be knit together in someone else’s womb, then I will continue to search for you until He brings you to me. We will all love you just the same – and oh – what love we have to give! God has enabled me to encourage other women with similar sturggles….He always works things together for good.
Your Aunt Maridel is due with a 4th baby in May. I always wanted to be pregnant at the same time as her, but I know God knows what is best for me. I don’t think I’ll dread Mother’s Day as much this year. I keep wondering when and where you’ll come from…I hope God brings you to us soon. Your cousins are growing up so fast! Love, Mommy
May 11, 2009
Another Mother’s Day has come and gone and you are still not with me. I have been forced to consider things I never would have dreamed of, and I am struggling to make sense of it all. In my openness I have continued to meet and connect with other women like me…I haven’t been told I can’t get pregnant, but I have been told that in vitro is the best option for me and that since your daddy and me are young and healthy – the sooner we try this the better. I’m still working through that one. Simply put – I’d like to believe if I’m meant to be pregnant the Lord will allow it to happen. I’m looking for a miracle in the pregnancy area. Baby, I’ve tried nearly everything, and I want you to know if you’re adopted it doesn’t mean I love you any less than my own flesh and blood. I’m having such a hard time working thorugh everything on the pregnancy front and the adoption front.I’m not happy I’m here right now and yet, I am glad it’s not your Aunts and Uncles. I am afflicted with the realities I have come to face. I am tired of these struggles. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. By now I was to have you and a sibling for you. That’s how I had planned it. But things dont’ always go as we plan, and in those times we have to humbly accept our circumstances and trust God will work all things for our good (Romans 8:28) and that He will not give us more than we can bear (Phil. 4:13).
I will be a better mom because of this. I will be a better person. I will love you with such a deep passion. I can only imagine it. I love you now even as I wonder if you’ll ever find your way into my arms. It doesn’t mattter what I try to do – only God can fix this. My body is a weak and sick vessell – filled with a disease that doctor’s consider harmless. Your dad and I have no money to pay for all of the fees that loom before us. Impossible you see. That’s what it feels like. But nothing is impossible with God (Mark 10:27). He can both heal me and provide the funds. It’s so hard to hold onto that sometimes – especially when people try to ‘help’ but only ‘hurt’ instead.
July 13, 2009
I am devestated. I was starting to dream again – dream about you – and now it seems your dad and I have come to another bump in the road. I refuse to blame God, but I must admit I cannot understand what He is doing… ( I proceed to write about God providing for International Adoption and plans to adopt from Ethiopia)… I am so heart-broken. How will we find you? How will you come to us? What is God doing? …Although we still believe God can heal my body and give us a bilogical baby, you were never a “second” option. From the beginning I knew if I couldn’t conceve you I would still love you as my very own…
July 22, 2009
A lot can happen in a week…(I write about phone calls leading to meeting Wendy). …Could you – my first born – really be coming to me in February? I am meeting Wendy tomorrow…I’m nervous…Will Wendy like us? Will she really let us raise her baby? Could it be you?…I’m so scared to hope…Could this be you growing inside of Wendy? Would Wendy do this for your dad and me? What a decision. What a sacrifice. What if she changes her mind? Then you would come to me some other way…I just want to meet you baby. I just want to be your mom…