It has been rather quiet on the private adoption front as of late. A couple of times I have tried to have the birth mom come for an evening visit, but both times it hasn’t worked out. The most recent was more disappointing. We were going to have her over for supper on a Friday. We bought lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and were so relaxed about having her come. Then Thursday night she phoned to tell us that she had to work. I decided I wasn’t going to be melancholy about it, so we invited over mom and Maridel’s kids as the rest of the fam was away. Our newlywed friends the Sherricks also joined us, and it turned out to be a fun filled evening with family and friends.
I haven’t really spent much time thinking about baby stuff. I’m still trying to protect myself from hurt. I just want the birth mom to be happy with her decision, and I in no way want to make her feel pressured. So I wait…
Meanwhile on the International adoption front, there are hopes of rescuing the agency. Our home study has been finished by the province, and it has been recommended that we complete it and pay our remaining fees of 1000+ so that won’t have to start completely from square one should things work out with an International adoption. If things work out with the private adoption, we would have to wait for the baby to become a year old to proceed. We don’t want an only child, so we feel it is wise to keep this door open as best as we can even though it is currently closed. The completion of this home study was suppose to be a joyous event. To think that we could have potentially sent everything to Ethiopia this month! Now our paperwork will sit in a file, and we will prepare to undergo more questions from social services including another potential home study if everything works out with the private adoption. A word of praise though is that the Lord is continuing to provide for us financially for paying for the completion of the home study for International adoption and for some of the lawyer fees that we will have with the private adoption. Even after the agency went bankrupt, the Lord continued to speak to people to give. We are keeping this money as an adoption fund in our savings account and are humbled by people’s generosity.
It’s kind of an interesting place to be in – trapped between the worlds of private and International adoption. Both have uncertainties. I keep wondering when we will finally get to bring a baby home. I get frustrated sometimes when I hear about certain situations. One morning I woke up and I had to be blunt with God about my circumstances. Sometimes I have to do that. I am human after all. It’s like I spent my whole life making good choices and working hard to do well, and yet this one thing…this one thing… Why can’t I have that too? When will it be my turn to be called mom? How long will I have to wait? I wouldn’t change my circumstances. I wouldn’t change the journey. I’m just working through a lot right now. It’s not just an emotional journey. It’s psychological, physical, spiritual… It’s trying not to let the enemy cause doubt. It’s learning to believe in what I can’t see.
I’ve signed up for a provincial adoption session on adopting older children. This is not an option Ben and I would necessarily consider unless we could potentially adopt a 3 or 4 year old; however, considering God is having me face all of my fears and consider adoption options that I didn’t want to think about, Ben and I have decided that it is in our best interest to get more informed and ask lots of questions. Adopting through province would involve taking PRIDE classes, and so I’d like to find out if there is an “expiration” date on this. Our name is on the 7-8 year wait list for a 0-2 year old, so does that mean if we take the course this fall and then we don’t get a phone call for a baby until 2017 that we have to take the course again?
Is it too selfish to want a baby at least once in my life?
“Is anything too hard for the Lord?” Genesis 18:14
I know the answer to that. So for now, I remain in the quiet.