On June 7, 2009, I wrote on my personal blog about how I was indeed humbled (http://www.thewaterspiller.blogspot.com/). After that more money came in, complete with a $1000 anonymous cheque and a young college couple who wanted to commit some money to us over the next few months.
Tonight I don’t think I will be able to sleep – but for entirely different reasons. Everything was going so well. The Lord was opening doors and we were walking through them with ease. He was providing for us. Our home studies were going well. We were finishing paperwork. I was gathering all of the necessary documents for Ethiopia. In the midst of all of this, I was dreaming again…letting down my guard…getting my hopes up…again.
We had our last visit with the social worker today and she came to our house. She questioned us about our adoption agency as she had heard rumors, but I had assured her that I had checked with my agency case worker a week ago and was assured everything was fine. The home visit went well as was prayed for, and Ben and I settled in for a relaxing evening…that is until I checked my e-mail. As part of the Maritime Ethiopian Adoption group, I receive regular e-mails about upcoming events. It is also a forum for questions and adoption news. I was floored to see news about Imagine Adoption – our very agency – having to close its doors. I immediately began to cry and panic, but then I gathered myself together to try and find some things out by checking with the direct source. I went to their web site to see the unimaginable: they are putting in for bankruptcy. I felt sick. This was a trusted agency with glowing reports. I researched this agency. I believed in it. Now, unless the paperwork we receive tells us otherwise, we will have lost $1500. $1500 that was given to us in full love and support for our endeavors. If I feel like this I can only imagine how those who have submitted all of their monies and were awaiting a referral must feel. Then there are families who received a referral through Imagine and haven’t yet gone to get their children.
I just can’t understand why this is happening to us. You have to understand. I have certain safe guards that I put in place to protect myself, and I was letting those safe guards down. How do I know if I can trust another agency? What will the fees be for them? Were we headed in the right direction? A part of me wants to panic, but then another part of me is reminded of what a trusted friend said to me after over $1200 came in for us. She said, “You will need this reminder for when things get tough, because they will.” So I’m trying to reflect on the Lord’s faithfulness while at the same time I want to yell out, “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?? HOW MUCH MORE CAN I BEAR? WHAT MORE WILL YOU ASK OF ME LORD? WHAT MORE CAN I GIVE?” And yet I kept repeating to myself over and over again this evening, “I will not blame God. I will not blame God. I will not blame God.”
If the Lord’s purpose for me is to be barren so I can help others, I told Him I would humbly submit, and yet I still believe He has the power to heal me if He so chooses. I still yearn for that and pray for that. Yet I also believe that there is a baby we are meant to adopt from another country. Why else would we have come this far? Why else would I have fallen in love with a country in Africa on the other side of the world? I have fallen in love with a baby I have never met, but a baby I know is meant to be a part of my life – A baby of another race, another culture, another country. I have already dealt with mixed reactions to our decision to go with Ethiopia, and now I can only imagine what some will say in response to this. Just when I think I have managed to cope with what has been given to me, more is put on my plate, and yet, I know God will give me the grace that is needed at just the right time. I am still sifting through my emotions at present and trying not to get angry. A part of me is hoping that I’m worked up for nothing. That perhaps this is all some ugly rumor of sorts. I had to print out the notice from the agency’s web page and read it over a few times in order for it to sink in. Is this for real?
And so we have to wait…wait to hear from Imagine…wait to see what our social worker says…wait upon another potential adoption agency…wait upon the Lord. I was fine with waiting. I really was…when things were going according to plan. Now I feel as though a part of me has to mourn all over again.
Lord, please help us to know where to go and what to do, and please bring our baby to us at just the right time. Amen.