Devastated

On June 7, 2009, I wrote on my personal blog about how I was indeed humbled (http://www.thewaterspiller.blogspot.com/).  After that more money came in, complete with a $1000 anonymous cheque and a young college couple who wanted to commit some money to us over the next few months.  

Tonight I don’t think I will be able to sleep – but for entirely different reasons. Everything was going so well.  The Lord was opening doors and we were walking through them with ease.  He was providing for us.  Our home studies were going well.  We were finishing paperwork.  I was gathering all of the necessary documents for Ethiopia.  In the midst of all of this, I was dreaming again…letting down my guard…getting my hopes up…again.

We had our last visit with the social worker today and she came to our house.  She questioned us about our adoption agency as she had heard rumors, but I had assured her that I had checked with my agency case worker a week ago and was assured everything was fine.  The home visit went well as was prayed for, and Ben and I settled in for a relaxing evening…that is until I checked my e-mail.  As part of the Maritime Ethiopian Adoption group, I receive regular e-mails about upcoming events. It is also a forum for questions and adoption news.  I was floored to see news about Imagine Adoption – our very agency – having to close its doors. I immediately began to cry and panic, but then I gathered myself together to try and find some things out by checking with the direct source.  I went to their web site to see the unimaginable: they are putting in for bankruptcy.  I felt sick.  This was a trusted agency with glowing reports.  I researched this agency.  I believed in it.  Now, unless the paperwork we receive tells us otherwise, we will have lost $1500.  $1500 that was given to us in full love and support for our endeavors.  If I feel like this I can only imagine how those who have submitted all of their monies and were awaiting a referral must feel.  Then there are families who received a referral through Imagine and haven’t yet gone to get their children.  

I just can’t understand why this is happening to us.  You have to understand.  I have certain safe guards that I put in place to protect myself, and I was letting those safe guards down.  How do I know if I can trust another agency?  What will the fees be for them?  Were we headed in the right direction?  A part of me wants to panic, but then another part of me is reminded of what a trusted friend said to me after over $1200 came in for us. She said, “You will need this reminder for when things get tough, because they will.”  So I’m trying to reflect on the Lord’s faithfulness while at the same time I want to yell out, “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US??  HOW MUCH MORE CAN I BEAR?  WHAT MORE WILL YOU ASK OF ME LORD?  WHAT MORE CAN I GIVE?” And yet I kept repeating to myself over and over again this evening, “I will not blame God.  I will not blame God.  I will not blame God.”

If the Lord’s purpose for me is to be barren so I can help others, I told Him I would humbly submit, and yet I still believe He has the power to heal me if He so chooses. I still yearn for that and pray for that.  Yet I also believe that there is a baby we are meant to adopt from another country.  Why else would we have come this far?  Why else would I have fallen in love with a country in Africa on the other side of the world?  I have fallen in love with a baby I have never met, but a baby I know is meant to be a part of my life – A baby of another race, another culture, another country.  I have already dealt with mixed reactions to our decision to go with Ethiopia, and now I can only imagine what some will say in response to this.  Just when I think I have managed to cope with what has been given to me, more is put on my plate, and yet, I know God will give me the grace that is needed at just the right time.  I am still sifting through my emotions at present and trying not to get angry.  A part of me is hoping that I’m worked up for nothing.  That perhaps this is all some ugly rumor of sorts.  I had to print out the notice from the agency’s web page and read it over a few times in order for it to sink in.  Is this for real?

And so we have to wait…wait to hear from Imagine…wait to see what our social worker says…wait upon another potential adoption agency…wait upon the Lord.  I was fine with waiting.  I really was…when things were going according to plan.  Now I feel as though a part of me has to mourn all over again.  

Lord, please help us to know where to go and what to do, and please bring our baby to us at just the right time.  Amen.

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Categories: Uncategorized | 11 Comments

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11 thoughts on “Devastated

  1. Paula

    Praying for you both!!

  2. Melissa Nickerson

    Oh Sara, I tearfully pray for you.

  3. Anne

    Sara and Ben, our hearts grieve with you. But please keep pressing on. None of this upheaval was unknown to your God, and He put the desire and fire in you to start this journey. So trust Him. I know this is an unexpected, unexplained, and unfair setback. But the money and time invested – and seemingly lost – will seem small at some future homecoming when you look into your child’s eyes and see what God has done! We love you guys and want to encourage you to keep pressing forward – the prize is worth the fight.

  4. Colleen

    So sorry to hear about this awful situation that has happened to you both. We are thinking about you both and if there is anything that we can do, please let us know. Just keep your head up and keep moving forward, we will pray for you.

  5. Maridel

    The only thing Ryan and I can conclude is that this uphill battle is happening to all of us, in our respective circumstances, is because we are doing what God wants us to do, and Satan does not like it! God has a plan, and ultimately, He will be victorious. If we perservere, it will be worth it. Hopefully, this battle will be over soon; but, in the meantime, keep dodging bullets, and use Christ as your shield!

  6. Dena

    Oh, Sara, I can’t imagine your broken heart. I am crying with you, yet knowing that the Lord will provide a way since He has given you this burden for adoption.

  7. Sandi

    Sarah and Ben;

    I am just shaking my head. I don’t understand this. I do know that God knows all. He also would completely understand your disappointment. It is okay to be angry about this it is the human thing to feel.

    Moving forward, press on. You will be blessed for your tenacity. God loves it when we persist. Search out all that you can to get as much of an understanding about this and what happened. Then use that information to fuel your prayers and your continued efforts toward the end goal. You know it best. You know what God has done for you both. He IS a loving Father. He wants what is best for you both. TRUST HIM!!!!

    You are continually in my prayers. Just depend on His strength and you both will make it through this chapter.

  8. I’m praying for you both. I’m so sorry to hear about this unexpected setback. There is a specific child that God is leading you to. We know that when we seek Him, we will find Him. Trust that as you continue to do that, He will also be showing you the way to that precious child.

  9. Ceri

    I had heard the reports but had NO idea it was your adoption agency! No wonder I’ve been praying almost constantly for you over the past couple of weeks. (((HUGS))) from the Fletcher Crew.

    Ceri, Troy, Jax & Caden

  10. crystal

    Sarah, I am so sorry about all of this, I know so deeply how you feel about wanting a child so badly…..I will be praying for you and Ben…miss you!!

  11. Hello…I came to your blog because of a suggestion from your friend Carmine. I know sometimes it seems like God asks a lot from us, but hold on. We will be rewarded someday for our faithfulness to Him. And if it seems like there is a roadblock, He will make a way. When it seems like it is only heartache, He will turn our pain into Joy! And what the devil does for evil, God turns it around for Good! Remember…Job didn’t know that the devil went to God and asked if he could tempt Job…God allowed it and ultimately God was able to say to the devil…see…I told you that you couldn’t do anything to take him away from me…He still loves Me and serves Me…now leave him alone:) I don’t know why we are each called to go down our own roads, why God has written our stories…but He is writing a story with each of our lives…we just have to let Him…and give him praise. My husband and I have been walking down a difficult road for the past few years…not to get into too many details but we struggled with infertility only to loose our daughter to a heart defect at 13 days old and then less than a year later twin sons at 21weeks gestation…it’s hard but our saying has been…God is good, all the time! We are now pursuing adoption as well and we will be praying for you as you walk down this path. I probably haven’t said anything you haven’t heard already but I just wanted to encourage you a little tonight…may God bless you and your family.

    In Christ’s GREAT love~
    Ali
    http://www.feldmancrew.blogspot.com

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