BIG UPDATE to my update

Okay, so your prayers concerning birth dad have been answered!! He is apparently meeting with a social worker next week, AND he wants to meet us. We don’t have a confirmed date yet, but we will keep you posted as we will certainly need your prayers when the time comes!  I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it, but I know God will give us the grace we need when the time comes.

And on another note – with regards to my personal health with regards to my fertility issues  - I do meet with a doctor tomorrow morning to find out if I have more cysts etc. and what my options are (if any at this point) with regards to the endometriosis.  I had been told by a specialist a few years ago that removing it would cause more harm than good, and I can’t seem to find an endo specialist around these parts, so at this point I’m just trying to find out if cysts are on my one “good” tube that I have. If I didn’t have the hope of another adoption at this point, I think it would be a somewhat depressing appointment, but who knows?  Maybe the report will be positive. 

An Update

I’ve been writing a lot about the baby lately, so I feel it’s time to give an update on my little man James. Before I do, I have a praise.  It turns out what was thought to be a uterine infection is something less serious and very common among pregnant women.  I won’t go into details, but I will say that your prayers have been very much appreciated and as far as I’m concerned answered!  Still no cooperation as far as I know with the birth dad, so that’s something you can continue to pray about as well as for good health for birth mom with these hot summer days approaching!

James is at such a fun age!!  I continue to be amazed at his growth and development as any parent would be when it comes to their kids!  So here are 12 things about him:

1. He loves to do somersaults.

2. He can speak in complete sentences. Some of his sentences as of late have included, “I wanna go to work with Daddy,”  ”I have work to do,” “May I please be excused, and “See my new hair cut.”  More than one parent of a 2 year old (some of whom have been complete strangers) tell me that he seems advanced in his speech for his age.  Because of his height and speech, I’ve discovered he seems a bit older to some people. That being said…

3.  He seems tall for his age. His biological father is taller than Ben and I, and I would have to say that I’ll be very surprised if James isn’t as tall as him.

4. He told me earlier this week, “I not feeling well.”  The use of “well” instead of “good” was an indicator to me of how much he listens to us speaking. He does repeat some things we say from time to time.  

5. He’s nearly potty trained. Night training is a ways off, but with regards to the day time, I no longer have to take him at regular intervals because he now tells me when he has to go and can do a good job holding it until we get there.  He wears training pants most of the time now.

6. He is learning letters, can nearly count to 20, loves to make up songs, and has a vivid imagination. Everything from a dish towel to a stuffed animal can come to life for him. (Hmmm…I wonder where he gets that from? If anyone new me as a kid you needn’t wonder…or if any of you have seen me play with him for that matter…I still have a vivid imagination…a strong Graham/Brown trait if you know both sides of the family!)

7. He loves books and playing outdoors.He loves to work in the garden with me (even when I’m not working in the garden), hammer things, pretend to fix cars (like Papa Graham), and playing “I Spy” (thanks Nana Crockett).  He especially loves “I Spy” when we’re driving because it keeps him entertained. For example, “I spy with my little eye something that is red” and then he’ll point to something that is red or say what he sees that is red such as, “a stop sign.” That being said…

9. He knows a lot of colours.

10. He has come to see prayer as an important thing before eating meals and before bed time. A couple of times in the busy shuffle of the day I’ve nearly forgotten (it is part of the routine after all), and he’ll say, “Pray Mama” and fold his hands. I love it!  He also still loves to cuddle. I call him my little cuddle bug.

11. He’s learning the difference between good and bad choices and is doing well making good choices. Although he has a strong will (as any 2 year old does), he has a sensitive spirit and knows when to say, “Sorry.”

12. He is a home body and a child who does well when he knows what the day holds (because he LOVES to be home and loves routine.)  From the time he was a baby he’d kick and giggle when we’d arrive home after being away, so I’m not surprised that now when we go away for the weekend he’ll say, “Home Mama. I wanna go home.” He travels well and does well in other environments, but he is always happy to return home.

And now for your viewing pleasure a couple of photos.  The first is of James’ first kayak ride.  We went as a family on the Kennebecasis River.  The second photo is of James with his buddy Gavin the Groundhog. Why a groundhog? James was born on Groundhog Day. I couldn’t wait to give him this because he has such a great imagination. 

 

Trying to find rest in the dream…

I’ve been somewhat dreaming about this next baby and writing her letters like I did for James, but some days I find it a bit hard. I guess you could say I’m afraid to dream in fear of my dream not coming true. Our birth mother is in good spirits these days, despite a few setbacks. I am grateful that she is keeping me in the know, even though it makes me anxious at times. I just continually have to hand it back over to the Lord and keep believing that He has my best interests at heart. A few things you can be praying for…

1. Health for birth mom and baby:  The birth mom had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and baby girl’s heartbeat couldn’t be found.  The doctor sent her for an immediate ultrasound, and thankfully a strong heartbeat was found.  However, the uterine infection is still there and no meds have been prescribed since the doctor is still waiting to hear from a specialist as to whether or not it would be safe for baby girl.  Another doctor’s appointment is set for 2 weeks from now.

2.  Birth dad:  The birth dad was contacted by social services, and despite the fact he knew birth mom had chosen adoption, he was not impressed with the phone call.  He then proceeded to tell her he’d been doing some research on private adoption and that he believed she was getting paid.  She quickly informed him that it would be illegal for that to happen.  Ben and I couldn’t even buy James’ birth mom flowers when she was in the hospital after delivery for fear the province would think we were bribing her!   The birth dad didn’t seem to believe her and said some other things that I’d prefer to not write about.  Let’s just say it wasn’t encouraging. At this point, I’m not sure what to expect from him and figure he could make things difficult with regards to paperwork.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on the roots of my son James, and Lord willing, of my daughter.  The thought had never really occurred to me that one of my children could have birth parents who are involved in his life and the other may have birth parents who aren’t.  It’s hard enough to have to plant the seeds for when you fully explain to your child he is adopted.  James already knows that his birth parents, whom he refers to as “Auntie” and “Uncle” are connected to him in a special way, as I tell him this in conversations often.  I’m currently planning to put together a couple of shadow boxes for his room.  One that deals with his “roots” (biological) and the other with his “heritage” (our family).  His story is one that should be celebrated and one he can take pride in.  Baby girl’s story might be a little different, but I will do my utmost to make it just as special for her, even if birth dad isn’t around.  Will she wonder why James’ birth dad comes to visit occasionally throughout the year and hers doesn’t?  Yes, I realize a lot can happen between now and then, but if you’ve never been an adoptive parent, I don’t know if you can fully appreciate the complexities of a situation such as this.  When one has biological children, he/she doesn’t have to have a conversation with them about adoption, think about visits with the biological parents of their children, or figure their way around questions such as, “I’m surprised he doesn’t look like you.  You have such dark hair and eyes.”  It’s easy to juggle things when your child is 2, but when they’re 12, do I really want my son to hear, “He’s adopted” all the time?  No.  He’s a part of our family.  He’s been grafted into the Canney family tree.  It is as though he were our own flesh and blood.  James’ story has been so beautiful and more than I could have hoped for with regards to the relationship we have with his birth parents.

I remember wondering if I would be strong enough to handle another situation with regards to private adoption, and here I am again, wondering what the outcome will be.  Most days I don’t worry.  Our relationship with the birth mom is great, and when it comes to the baby’s health and the birth dad, what good will my worrying do?

Most days I find rest in the dream of bringing home another little bundle…the dream of watching my son play with his younger sister…the dream of seeing them share the common bond of adoption and yet take pride in the family they’ve been grafted into…and should something happen to destroy my dream I have to recall the times in the past when God has given me the grace to handle things when I needed it most:  the disappointing news that I may never get pregnant, the bankrupt International adoption agency, the continued frustrations with trying to find answers to my health (will update on an upcoming doctor’s appointment with regards to the endometriosis)…I will not be shaken. My faith will stay.  Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  We need it!

For those of you who still haven’t heard…

The Story of Baby Canney #2

I can’t quite figure out why International adoption doors keep closing for us, but for some reason they do. December 2011 I made the call with my Visa information for Gentle Path (the agency that looks after International Adoption within NB) and received an e-mail saying my card was declined. This didn’t make any sense to me as I had used it that day and I have good credit (in fact it’s nearly paid off now thanks to the Lord’s provision). Ben figured they must have got a number wrong when I phoned, but I sensed in my spirit that we needed to pray about it more.

Then came January 2012. I was doing a partial fast and praying about our family. What were we to do? Financially things were tight and there were debts we had been trying to get paid off. We’re still trying to get our debts looked after, but I know I can’t limit God when it comes to our finances. During this time I felt the Lord saying, “You say you’ll be happy if you are not blessed with more children, but do you mean it?  Are you willing to accept having an only child?” I really wrestled with this as I long for James to have a sibling(s). Oddly enough, Ben began thinking the same way, and we began having conversations like, “Maybe this is it. Maybe we need to just leave our name out there and see what happens. The doors keep closing Internationally.  Maybe we need to wait.”

Monday, January 23, I received a phone call I’ll never forget. It was from a friend of mine.  We began our usual conversation with how things were going etc. but then she said she had to tell me something and started crying. I tried to guess.  ”Is it school?  Do you have some sort of sickness?” Then she told me that she was pregnant.  She had broken up with her boyfriend the previous month, found out she was pregnant, told him, and his response wasn’t very encouraging.  I told her that perhaps she was ready for motherhood and that she had time to think things through. She insisted she wasn’t ready.  When I asked her if I could confide in Ben so he could be praying for her as well, she said, “Actually, I was wondering if you and Ben would consider adopting the baby.”

“What?  You don’t need to make this decision now.  You have time to decide,” was my response.

You see, Ben and I have had people contact us before saying they know of someone who is pregnant who “might be” considering adoption. We’ve even been phoned before on more than one occasion and asked, “Would you consider if…”  That being said, we don’t tend to get overly excited when things like this come up.

My friend insisted that she wouldn’t have asked if she wasn’t 100% sure.  Knowing both Ben and I, and knowing what we’ve been through, she said she wouldn’t want to hurt us.

Thus began the journey to Baby Canney #2.

I’m sure some of you are wondering who this birth mom is.  Some of you already know.  If you do know, please refrain from hinting at who she is or naming her online. Some of you need to rest in not knowing. Eventually you may find out, but you need to respect us and respect her.  I’ve already received some questions from people that have surprised me with regards to finding out information.  I know that I am open about things, but in this case, openness online is not an option.  When we want you to know, we’ll tell you.

I’ve also received some interesting comments like, “If something goes wrong and she has a miscarriage or changes her mind, you’ll be alright because you have James.”  Yes, I understand your meaning, and yes, we will be alright, but I need to remind you our hearts are in love with this little baby.  We will grieve a loss if something goes wrong, but we will continue to love and support our friend. If I were pregnant, would you say that to me?  I write this not to be insensitive, but to educate.  Please think before you speak.  We know you love and care about us and would not intentionally hurt us. I just want to help protect other adoptive couples out there who deal with various comments as well.

We haven’t met the birth dad and we’re not sure if we will get to.  It’s really up to him.  He recently informed the birth mom that he wanted nothing to do with her, the baby, or us.  He still needs to sign the paperwork, but at this point it sounds like the birth mom is going to let Social Services handle meetings with him.

The birth mom also recently found out she has a uterine infection.  She isn’t too concerned about it and has been prescribed some meds, but I would appreciate your prayers, as reading up on uterine infections during pregnancy has me concerned.

Then I look at James and I think how many times during his pregnancy I wondered, “Is birth mom eating enough?  Is she remembering her vitamins?”  There was even a genetic risk of poland syndrome, and yet, James is extremely healthy.  God had everything under control.

And so, I rest in knowing that God will protect this baby.  God knows our needs.  If something goes wrong, He will give us the strength we need when the time comes.  Come what may, we will love this little baby.  We already do.

Baby Canney #2, we can’t wait to meet you.  We look forward to seeing you via ultrasound this week!

Faithful readers, I’m sorry for the wait.  I will definitely be posting this week about the ultrasound!

In Case You Haven’t Heard…

Most of you have heard via word of mouth, e-mail, or facebook, but in case you didn’t…

James’ Big Announcement

I’ll be posting some adoption story details before the week is out!  Please keep us in your prayers.

 

Have you forgotten about me?

I know…I know…Since becoming a mother I’ve become a terrible blogger.  I realize now what I must have done with all of my time prior to becoming a mother – Blogged!  Oh how I miss writing on my blog.  I know it will come back to me, and I’m hoping to be more diligent with it in the coming months.  There is some good news brewing; some that many of you have already heard which we’re not quite ready to post online yet. However, it is extremely exciting and you will find out more on this blog in the coming weeks.  In the meantime, check out my boy James at the age of 2.  He is such a handsome little man!  Currently he’s learning how to count to 10, learning colors, and he can name machines – everything from a pay loader to a dump truck.  His current favorite expression is, “Oh yeah” which he says in a most matter of fact way.  Oh, and if mini wheats would like a spokesperson for their cereal, my boy James is the man.  He’s totally into “Mini Wheats” cereal right now – particularly the blueberry flavor which he calls “ice cream Mini-Wheats.” Ice cream is a treat he gets on occasion and is one of his favorite foods.  We pretend we’re going to see the ice cream man on a regular basis.  James has an incredible imagination.   As you can see from his photos, he can be a serious little man!  Thanks to Lynette Mason (www.masonphotography.ca) for taking such great photos (including our family photo header!).

“Serious J” at his finest

And finally, a picture of me and my incredible husband of 8.5 years and a picture of the entire family.  Life doesn’t get much sweeter than this.

I feel as though James is saying, “Seriously Mom, more pictures?”  What a kid!

And the paperwork is off!

It’s finished.  It’s in the mail…4 months after when I had intended to send it.  I can’t explain why I waited.  I can only say I hit a wall.  I was tired.  I was discouraged.  I was emotionally trying to prepare myself for this next leg of the journey.  

Both the Provincial and the International adoption paperwork was mailed today.  Tomorrow I’ll make the phone call and pay the $300 to officially reopen our International Adoption file.  Then we’ll wait. We’ll wait for a phone call or a letter explaining the next step of the process which will most likely be a home study.  In this case it will most likely mean 2 home studies:  one for Provincial adoption and one for International adoption.  Then we’ll see what doors open and what doors close.  

I’ve started writing letters to my next child/children.  With Christmas approaching, I’ve been wondering if they’re born yet, where they are living, what kind of life they currently have…I just want to find them and bring them home to be a part of our family.

The waiting isn’t easy, but I will say that with James in the house it is easier.  He is such a delight.  I often forget he is adopted, and I have plans to write him his story in the form of a children’s book.  Another year or so, and I’ll be having a conversation with him which those of you who have biological children never have to think about.  I often point to pictures of his biological mother and tell him who she is, but he’s still quite young to really grasp the concept.  Some people don’t seem to understand why we’d tell him so young, but you’d be amazing how well children adapt.  I want him to feel proud of who he is and of how God brought him to us.  It really is a miraculous story.

I will try to update more often – not just about the adoption, but about the adventures in our household.  James is starting to do some really comical things, and I fear if I don’t write them down I’ll forget them!  Thanks for your patience.  I’m ready to open up my heart again and write.

 

Wondering…

Lately I’ve been wondering how we’re meant to proceed with adopting a brother or sister for James. I was certain it was International at one point, but with me recently deciding to be home as a mom the $300 it takes to reopen our file seems like a lot.  We will also have to pay that fee every year until the adoption goes through.  I’m still going to substitute teach, but work has been slow, and the small debt we worked to pay off this past year has recently been added to with Ben’s acceptance into a Masters program.  If believe I’m to be a stay-at-home mom, and with the winter months approaching we’re doing well to pay for gas and groceries, what does that mean when it comes to adopting Internationally? Where is my faith?

I have to admit that I have still been hoping God would heal me, but that almost seems too easy, doesn’t it?  I know with God ALL things are possible, so even a large loan to pay for International adoption should be able to get paid off without me having to work full time, right? For some reason the money factor seems like a bigger mountain to me than the healing factor – even with people in our circle of influence offering to help out financially through loans etc. if/when we need it. I thought I had laid the hope of getting pregnant to rest, until all of the “You know so-and-so didn’t think they could have children until they adopted, and then they got pregnant” stories came along.  I guarded my heart.  I built a wall around it and tried to protect that area as much as possible…but then I started to think – maybe that could be us.  But what if it’s not us?  What if I’m never healed? Will you accuse me of having some sin in my life or of not having enough faith to believe? That may sound insensitive, but there are those who hold to that philosophy.What if my purpose is to be barren so that I can pray babies into other families lives? Is that an odd thought?  Why was a friend so burdened for me to get pregnant she fasted gluten with me for an entire year?  Was that all for naught? So many things I’ve been wondering about…

I had asked God to give me a baby at least once before James was born, and He gave me that.  So it seems selfish of me to want anything more when I’ve been blessed in such a huge way.

So I’m wondering…what do we do next?  Finish the paperwork is a start.  I had been all gung-ho and then I lost momentum when I thought Haiti might not happen.  Pray about the $300. Open our Provincial file for a 3-5 year old and pray about that.

Pray that the decisions we make will be right for our whole family – James included.

As for the hope of a pregnancy, I’m selling the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and other pregnancy related books.  This isn’t to say I won’t hope, but it’s to say I don’t want to look at them anymore.  It’s another area I need to lay to rest.  If I am healed, I’m sure it won’t be hard to find those books again.  Besides, my sister Maridel is a walking encyclopedia, and I know whatever the circumstances she’ll be happy to answer my questions

There is comfort in knowing the Lord knows what we need.  I just need to stop wondering and start praying more specifically for wisdom and understanding.  If God had given me what I wanted, WHEN I wanted it, I wouldn’t have James, and I wouldn’t be who I am.  It’s obvious You know what is best for me.

So I surrender Lord.  I choose to be content in all my circumstances.  I choose to trust You as Jehovah-Jireh – my provider – in ALL areas of my life and the life of my family.

Oh dear…there I go dreaming…AGAIN!

It’s true…I’m getting the “fever” again. Baby fever. Which for someone who hasn’t been able to get pregnant is really kind of ironic. Just this past Sunday I was watching a young couple with their baby when I said to Ben, “Doesn’t it make you want another one?” You can guess his response, “Not really.” That’s my Ben though. Until that little being is staring him in the face, he doesn’t really dream like I do. The truth of the matter is, we both believe James is meant to be a big brother. How that is going to happen – only the Lord knows at this point, but doesn’t it make you excited to think about how it might happen?  Correction:  …how it WILL happen?

A few posts back I had written about feeling the need to wait.  We are still waiting in a sense, but recently the Lord has given me a renewed passion for pursuing adoption again and also for inquiring about my health.

With regards to my health, my doctor is currently checking in to see about getting me another referal in Halifax – only this time with someone who actually specializes in endometriosis and who doesn’t work at a fertility clinic. I just want to have an opinion from someone who really knows the disease and who isn’t trying to sell me their “product.”  I had recently asked my doctor on a whim if he knew of any endometriosis specialists, thinking I’d get the usual answer some other doctors have given me, but I was surprised when he said he knew of potentially a couple.  Then, he asked me to book another appointment so I could fill him in on my medical history.  I have since done that and am waiting for a referral. So, we’ll see what happens.  I have to say though, that even if the Lord chose to heal me, I would still want to adopt again unless the Lord let that fire die.

With regards to adoption, I am currently looking for answers provincially and internationally.  It’s like a renewed passion, and what I love about it this time is that even though it will be an emotional and by times frustrating journey, I have a son named James to enjoy and to remind me that it’s worth hoping and praying for.

Provincially I have yet to receive answers.  I tried to contact one social worker more than a month ago about our P.R.I.D.E. file and received no response.  I’ve tried to phone another one and have had the same outcome.  I won’t give up until I find out what has happened to our file and what it might take to update it.  This would not be for infant adoption, so our preference would be for a child under 5 years of age. Our name is on the list for infant adoption, which remember, is a 7-8 year wait.  By that time I’ll be 38.  And in reality, if we choose to adopt again, they would bump us down the list again…so unless the Lord directly intervenes, provincial infant adoption probably won’t occur.

International adoption has really caught my interest again. This has to be the Lord at work because I really didn’t think this might be an option for us. I have a renewed hope. I e-mailed a social worker about it just last week and heard back from her within minutes.  It would take $300 to update our home study. Ben and I are seriously looking into the possibility of this.  What we are trying to find out is if we can do so without having to go through an agency. When you go through an agency, you incur a lot of extra expenses.  We have also been “burned” in the past by an adoption agency. There is a potential country we have in mind since we’ve heard about some other people adopting from there directly through a Christian orphanage. We’ve actually heard of 2 different legit orphanages in this country that people from either the US or Canada have adopted from. I’m going to keep you in suspense about the country at this point until we get some more answers to see if it actually might be a possibility.  Right now, we’re just trying to see if we can get into contact with these families. So, we’re very much in the beginning stages.

I will admit that it is scary: getting your hopes up only to realize they may be disappointed, but then, isn’t that what happens to me…month after month after month when I’m not pregnant?  You see, doctors haven’t told me I couldn’t get pregnant or carry a child to full term. Yes, the “odds” are not in my favor, but who needs odds when you serve the Lord?  Have you seen my son lately? Do you know how he came to us? If not, you need to go a few blogs back and find out. God works in ways that we can’t even dream or imagine.

So I’m dreaming again…dreaming big for my little man James and for my family. James deserves to be a big brother, and since adoption can take 2 or more years, it’s time to see what doors will open and what ones will close. Be praying!  The Canney’s are about to embark on another “adventure!”