And so it begins…again!

A year ago we began opening our provincial adoption file, not with regards to a newborn, as we are already on the infant adoption wait list which is an 8-10 year wait in NB, but with regards to exploring the possibility of an older child (0-5 years old). Shortly after that we were approached about a private adoption and put provincial things on hold, but we maintained regular contact with the social worker. The day Charlie was born we received a phone call from the same social worker.  She didn’t know it was Charlie’s birth date and was surprised to hear we were at the hospital. Shortly after that we closed our provincial file for the time being. Last week, while finishing a 3 day fast which included praying about our family’s growth, I received a phone call from a provincial social worker wondering if we were interested in reopening our provincial file. I couldn’t deny that the timing seemed right, and so, we met with a social worker today to talk about updating our file and home study. We are confident that if this is not the right path, God will close the doors, but we can’t deny it is an option we need to explore.  The doors have been shut on us in the past both internationally and privately, and it is not to say that they could open up again in one or both of these areas, but at present, provincial adoption seems to be a reoccurring area that we need to explore at this time.

I was reflecting today on the amount of times Ben and I have been contacted about to consider an adoption and how those adoptions have not worked out – more times than I have written about. We don’t put word out until we are confident things are moving forward. We typically have our guard up, and it is easy to figure out in conversation whether or not someone is truly serious about it. Sometimes we feel like our options are limited because of where we live. If we were to live in the US, for example, we could submit our names to an agency where expectant mothers could go in and “choose” us. In NB, adoption options are: put your name on the infant waiting list, pray to be approached to adopt privately (advertising is not allowed), consider adopting older children provincially, or adopt internationally. More than once we have ventured down a road feeling confident this was the right path only to have the doors close. It is later on that we see how those pieces all fit together. Quite frankly, after this last time, I didn’t know if I had the strength or the will to move forward to find my children. Ben was ready to move forward in January. In fact, he was looking into China. He has his heart set on a daughter. I remember the conversation we had on our way to work one morning where I said to him, “I just can’t do it right now. I’m tired. Let’s just focus on the 3 of us and continue to pray for my healing. I just want to be healed.”

When I mention provincial adoption, some people cringe. They tell me not to go down that road because of the horror stories they have heard. I have to say though, for every awful story, there is a success story. I know of a family whose daughter they adopted provincially wrote about how thankful she was that she was adopted and how different her life would’ve been had they not brought her into their family. Some adoptions: be it private, provincial, or international, go well. Others do not. So it is with pregnancy. You don’t hear someone say, “Don’t get pregnant.  You might have a miscarriage!  Your child might be born with poor health!” Some pregnancies go well. Others do not. If you want to grow your family, you’re willing to take risks, and by doing so you’re saying to your children, “I will love you no matter what the cost, no matter what the complications.  I am committed to you.”

Any child who is adopted older than birth age is going to have an adjustment whether he/she comes from overseas (language and/or cultural adjustments, orphanage baggage, etc.) or provincially (foster care adjustments, home life baggage, etc.). Even children adopted from birth eventually have to come to grips with their adoption story. You just have the benefit of raising them from day 1 and eliminating a variety of other barriers. ALL adoption involves risk.

We are praying about the possibility of adopting a little girl up to the age of 7 who may have a younger sibling (boy or girl). Had we been able to conceive when we first hoped to grow our family, this is how old our son/daughter would be. James plays well with older children and has already responded well to conversations we’ve had with him regarding this possibility (that is another blog post in and of itself – ha ha!). We also continue to pray for my healing.

Don’t worry – I’m not setting myself up for disappointment. I have a peace about everything. If God were to close ALL doors, I know that one day I would better understand why, as I have with other parts of our family journey. Yes – I’m human. I still get frustrated and discouraged, and I’m still working through and praying through a lot in many areas when it comes to our little Canney clan.

And YES, I do realize I have a healthy, amazingly intelligent son whom I’ve had the privilege of raising from the day he was born (okay so I’m bias, but anyone who has met him can’t deny that he’s quite the little man.)

And so the journey continues…

 

What are you thankful for?

“What are you thankful for James?”

“I think I’m thankful for God giving us a baby.”

“A baby?  What baby do you mean?”

“Baby Charlie…”

And just like that my son has me pondering.  We weren’t even talking about Baby Charlie.  You see, I asked him the question from a “Q & A a day for kids 3 year journal.” Ben and I bought it because James is such a great little conversationalist, and we thought it would be fun to see how his answers changed over the next 3 years.

When I asked James what he was thankful for, I wasn’t expecting that response.  In some ways I was taken aback. And in his typical 3 year old fashion, he went from saying something that to me seemed so profound (Baby Charlie) to what I was originally expecting:

“…and I’m thankful for that dirty tractor and that clean tractor” in reference to those very things sitting on the table (FYI: His “dirty” tractor only looks dirty – John Deere makes some amazing toys!)

But I haven’t been able to get his response out of my head: “I think I’m thankful for God giving us a baby.”

Yes.  I do THINK I’m thankful.  But am I really? I’ve seriously asked myself these 2 questions.  ”Am I thankful for Baby Charlie?”  And “Did God really give us a baby?”

James knows that Baby Charlie is his sister.  He also knows that she lives with his Auntie Wendy (aka “tummy Mommy”).  He talks about Charlie from time to time: where she is, why she doesn’t live with us, and then he’ll always respond, “but that’s okay.” His adaptable little self  accepts this as it is and knows that it is okay.

It’s okay because God, in his infinite grace has given Ben and I the strength to accept this as our normal and to allow everything to be okay. We long for James and Charlie to have a special relationship.

Am I thankful for Baby Charlie?  Am I thankful for the simultaneous joy and pain her life brought to us?  Yes.  I am. In a small way she has given me a glimpse of what it must have been like for Wendy when she placed James into our care. Reading about special markers on facebook: her rolling over for the first time, her sitting up…experiences that could’ve been mine but weren’t meant to be.  Her first Christmas….every 12^th day of the month…all markers that were always there for Wendy on every 2^nd day of the month…

Did God give us a baby?

That’s a hard one for me to answer.  Last year this time I had the hope of a baby. I had finished a fast, and I knew that another baby was on the way. I could hardly believe it.  I was confident and sure of what I had hoped and prayed for. This year I’m left saying, “Is this it?” All forms of adoption are at a stand still since we are still unclear as to what God would have us do come summertime. Will we stay? Will we move? Currently the only “baby” in my household is now 3, and I certainly thank God for him every single day.

Did God give us a baby?

Yes. No. I don’t know. He gave us a baby but not in the way we had hoped and prayed for.

I am still searching my heart and seeking God for understanding. I am still wrestling with the “whys” of my life. Some of the pieces of the puzzle have come together, but it’s going to take time. I may never fully understand.

I will say that for the first time in months I feel like Sarah again – if that makes any sense. Although some stresses in the past few weeks have caused me to be forgetful and get mixed up about some things, the fog is clearing.  For that I am thankful. I am thankful for a blue eyed boy who wakes me up in the morning and says, “Mom. Can you tell me a story?”  I am thankful for a teaching job at a school in which I feel fully supported and am encouraged on a regular basis.  I am thankful for my students whom I believe I was obviously meant to teach this year.  I am thankful for a husband, who despite the various things going on in our lives has humbly taken on our reversed roles working 20 hours a week at the office and putting a whole-hearted 20+hours/week into our son. I am thankful for mom and dad next door and the time and energy they put into our son. I am thankful that although life isn’t what I thought it would be, it is what God has given us. We have our health. We have our family. We have each other.

So what are you thankful for?

Grieving Ella.

Her name wasn’t intended to be Ella, and Charlie wasn’t the name we had chosen.  We had another name picked out, but I can’t write that name.  It was written to her in letters that were meant for her. Maybe someday she’ll get to read them, or maybe they will remain tucked away forever, but for the sake of this post, I’m going to call her “Ella.”

You might say that Ella and Charlie are the same.  Technically, Charlie was the daughter we thought would be coming home with us, but I don’t think of Charlie as mine.  I think of her as Wendy’s.  I think that is why it was so important that Wendy change her name.  It really is a strange thing: to grieve a child who is alive and yet who isn’t.  To grieve a child you spend time with and yet you know isn’t yours and apparently wasn’t meant to be yours.  At the same time: to grieve a child you wonder will ever come into existence in your life. Will I ever have a daughter?  Was it some sort of strange dream?

I’ve been thinking about Ella even more with Christmas approaching.  Originally I thought I’d have 2 stockings to hang this year and gifts filled with little girl things.  The carefully hand knit sweaters I had purchased long before her arrival are packed away, the little girl clothes as well, and any trace of her is no longer in my house but for the few things left in sight in the basement such as the crib or the bouncy seat.

Every now and then James asks where she is, and then I explain to him things in his terms once again .  I don’t think he minds really – still being the only child in the house.  His inquiring little mind often fascinates me.  It won’t be long and he’ll be further grasping what his “normal” is and that there’s more to it than the fact that he didn’t grow in my tummy. That is a whole other post in and of itself.

Most of the time I am fine, but the grief usually hits me in unexpected ways.  It comes in the form of a song I haven’t heard in awhile that spoke to me during that difficult time.  It comes in the middle of shopping when I find myself in the little girl section of a store and then I ask myself, “Why am I here?”  It comes when I see someone else with a baby girl and I think, “Why don’t I have a daughter?”  Usually it is a sad grief.  A feeling of great loss and pain. Other times it is in the form of anger.  For instance, about a month ago Ben received a message from the birth dad  saying that he didn’t know much about the baby except what people told him and in closing,  ”I’m sorry it didn’t work out bro.”  I’m sorry it didn’t work out bro? Who is this man?  This man who wrote us such heart warming words in June and then whipped us in return with his actions only a month later? What is it like to “create” a life and then have the power to walk away from it?  How can one be so callous?  I forgive, and then I have to forgive again. And lately, grief comes when I hear that someone else is expecting.  I don’t envy them.  It’s not like that.  I feel sorry for myself.  What is it like?  To get pregnant?  To have a life grow inside of you?  To plan your family so effortlessly?

I can’t foresee another private adoption in our future.  We’ve been burned.  I’m not sure at this point about International Adoption.  We’ve been burned there as well.  Any form of provincial adoption is on hold because we don’t know what the next year holds and whether or not we will even be living in Sussex.  Once again, we pray. We wait.  Once again I work through wondering if James will always be an only child and finding contentment in that while learning to believe in what I can’t see.  What is to come.  What I believe is to come.

Last year during January I entered a 21 day partial fast in which I found out about Charlie shortly thereafter and believed she was my answer.  This year during January I will enter another 21 day partial fast.  I look forward to that time.  A time of renewal, of refocus…

More has been going on in our lives than most realize – it’s not just the adoption loss we’ve had to deal with…other things have been happening that have threatened to uproot us and shake our faith, and yet, we remain firm.

Perhaps I’m not just grieving Ella, perhaps I’m grieving our life as it was.  I can’t fully explain it, but our lives were greatly altered in September when numerous events occurred at once.  Serious unexpected life changing events. Were it not for the grace of God and what I believe to be His protective covering, I would be depressed. Nonetheless, I am still working through my grief.

“We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” – C.S. Lewis

Thankful.

Everyday I thank God for Wendy.  I thank Him for her decision to willingly place James in our care.  I thank Him for giving her the strength to be a part of James’ life and to open up her heart to our family.  I thank God for the strength He has given Ben and I to be her friend and family in return. I thank God for little Charlie Sarah. I thank God for how Charlie has changed Wendy’s life and my life.

This is not to say that I am never sad about not having a daughter in my life at this time, but it is to say that I am choosing to see that God has always had my best interest at heart and Wendy’s best interest at heart. She needs Charlie.  We need James.  We all need each other.  Our connection was to be in an even more unique way than I had ever dreamed or imagined.

From the outside looking in, it really must seem strange to many of you. It is not the road I would have willingly chosen, and I’m sure it’s not one Wendy would have willingly chosen either, but it is the road God has chosen for us, for that, and I am thankful.

Fog.

September was a month of fog. There were some days filled with a heightened sense of joy and excitement and other days filled with indescribable grief and despair. A friend died. I started teaching school part-time. Charlie was born. Ben travelled. I picked up full time work. Ben’s job description changed.  His working hours were lowered to 20/week. Extended family issues.

We are working through and praying through a lot. There will be some big decisions for us in the months to come. My teaching contract is a year, but after that…Do we stay with Ben’s 20 hours or do we go?  Will other doors open up? Our provincial adoption home study is now on hold because our life seems to be on hold.

Thank you for your patience. I will write about Charlie’s birth very soon. Thank you for your prayers.  We need them. God has helped us work through a lot of emotions, and we believe that He will continue to be faithful as we try to see through the fog.

Urgent: Prayers Needed

Due to the public nature of this blog and a recent change of events with regards to the adoption, I am no longer posting specific details about the adoption at this time on this website until I further investigate privacy settings.  Please accept my apologies if this is your only means of following me and be patient as I try to review settings.  More details will be posted on facebook as that is where the majority of comments and feedback now seem to come from.  Details that we thought were falling into place are now unclear, and all we can do is pray and wait.  Ultimately the future of this little girl is in God’s hands, and we can but hope and pray that her future is with us.  No matter what the outcome, we covet your prayers with regards to strength in the days to come.  She is due in September, and we have been busy getting the room ready for her, but our dreams may not be as planned.  That is all I can say on here at this time.

Continue to think of us…the time is quickly approaching!

I was chatting with my friend birth mom the other day and she mentioned that birth dad said he messaged us via facebook.  We thought that was odd, since we hadn’t received anything.  We tried to do a search through Ben’s fb and his name didn’t come up, so we opted to go to birth dad’s fb page and send him a message in case he had messaged the wrong Ben.  Then, there it was.  A note dated May 28.  Somehow Ben had missed it. Birth dad initiated contact with us.  In his letter he apologized for any trouble he may have caused, said he was working with a social worker, thought we’d make great parents, and that he was trying to work on things with birth mom.  We responded and since then he’s been keeping in contact with Ben.  I’m assuming we will be meeting him sometime in the near future.

You can imagine how high emotions must be between the birth mom and birth dad considering the circumstances.

3 months.  3 months and Lord willing, our daughter will be here. We so appreciate your prayers and continued support. When James was born it was such an emotional beautiful day.  I just want the same for our little girl.  Prayer can do that.  Please continue to keep all of us – the Canney family, birth mom, birth dad, and their families in mind.  There are still some “unknown’s” as to how things will go.

Some Thoughts on Hair…

If you know me, I’m always changing my hair.  When Ben and I got married, we had a powerpoint presentation of us over the years, and the person running it said, “You’d think Ben was with a different woman all through the years,” because my hair was different in a lot of the pictures.  I like change, and I’ve always enjoyed trying something new with my hair.

Well today I finally made the big “chop” that I’ve been working on for the past 4 years. I’ve been growing my hair out to donate to an organization that makes wigs for people who have lost their hair for various reasons. I was thinking about going with Pantene’s “Beautiful Lengths” but some attention has been brought to “Angel Hair” and “Wigs for Kids” as well, so I’m going to explore my options before sending my hair away.  I don’t need a pat on the back for doing this.  I just wanted to bring some awareness to it like someone did for me around the time I started growing my hair out.  A friend around my age had grown her hair out to donate and I thought to myself, “It’s not too late to do this.  If she can do it, then so can I.”  Here are some things I wish I had known years ago about donating your hair:

1.  Virgin hair is the best quality for a wig.  Long before I had years of short hair, I had long hair – hair that had never been dyed or highlighted.  Eventually I had that hair chopped off, and it could’ve been donated then.  At the time, not as much attention was brought to donating hair.

2.  Highlighted hair can’t be donated.  It doesn’t process well for wigs.  That’s why it took me so long to get my hair long.  I spent the first 2 years growing out my highlights.

3.  If your hair is 5% grey you can’t donate it.  When I started growing out my hair, I had my hairdresser check it because, believe it or not, this lady has grey coming in. You can’t tell because I’m always coloring it!  I was able to color it during my growing out phase with semi-permanent dye which is okay.

What I did was no big deal compared to what some people have to go through with regards to losing their hair (i.e. cancer), but I will say that it made me very thankful for the hair I have.  I have always taken my ability to do what I wanted with my hair for granted, and growing it out was hard for me at times because when I wanted to  get it cut I’d say to myself, “No, I’m going to do this!  I’m going to donate at least once in my lifetime.”

Perhaps when my little girl is older it will be something we can chat about and consider, and, providing my grey hair doesn’t take over, something we can do together.  In the meantime, I’ve gone back to my short highlighted hair for the time being, feeling grateful for the hair that is on my head.

Some before and after pics:

BIG UPDATE to my update

Okay, so your prayers concerning birth dad have been answered!! He is apparently meeting with a social worker next week, AND he wants to meet us. We don’t have a confirmed date yet, but we will keep you posted as we will certainly need your prayers when the time comes!  I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it, but I know God will give us the grace we need when the time comes.

And on another note – with regards to my personal health with regards to my fertility issues  - I do meet with a doctor tomorrow morning to find out if I have more cysts etc. and what my options are (if any at this point) with regards to the endometriosis.  I had been told by a specialist a few years ago that removing it would cause more harm than good, and I can’t seem to find an endo specialist around these parts, so at this point I’m just trying to find out if cysts are on my one “good” tube that I have. If I didn’t have the hope of another adoption at this point, I think it would be a somewhat depressing appointment, but who knows?  Maybe the report will be positive. 

An Update

I’ve been writing a lot about the baby lately, so I feel it’s time to give an update on my little man James. Before I do, I have a praise.  It turns out what was thought to be a uterine infection is something less serious and very common among pregnant women.  I won’t go into details, but I will say that your prayers have been very much appreciated and as far as I’m concerned answered!  Still no cooperation as far as I know with the birth dad, so that’s something you can continue to pray about as well as for good health for birth mom with these hot summer days approaching!

James is at such a fun age!!  I continue to be amazed at his growth and development as any parent would be when it comes to their kids!  So here are 12 things about him:

1. He loves to do somersaults.

2. He can speak in complete sentences. Some of his sentences as of late have included, “I wanna go to work with Daddy,”  ”I have work to do,” “May I please be excused, and “See my new hair cut.”  More than one parent of a 2 year old (some of whom have been complete strangers) tell me that he seems advanced in his speech for his age.  Because of his height and speech, I’ve discovered he seems a bit older to some people. That being said…

3.  He seems tall for his age. His biological father is taller than Ben and I, and I would have to say that I’ll be very surprised if James isn’t as tall as him.

4. He told me earlier this week, “I not feeling well.”  The use of “well” instead of “good” was an indicator to me of how much he listens to us speaking. He does repeat some things we say from time to time.  

5. He’s nearly potty trained. Night training is a ways off, but with regards to the day time, I no longer have to take him at regular intervals because he now tells me when he has to go and can do a good job holding it until we get there.  He wears training pants most of the time now.

6. He is learning letters, can nearly count to 20, loves to make up songs, and has a vivid imagination. Everything from a dish towel to a stuffed animal can come to life for him. (Hmmm…I wonder where he gets that from? If anyone new me as a kid you needn’t wonder…or if any of you have seen me play with him for that matter…I still have a vivid imagination…a strong Graham/Brown trait if you know both sides of the family!)

7. He loves books and playing outdoors.He loves to work in the garden with me (even when I’m not working in the garden), hammer things, pretend to fix cars (like Papa Graham), and playing “I Spy” (thanks Nana Crockett).  He especially loves “I Spy” when we’re driving because it keeps him entertained. For example, “I spy with my little eye something that is red” and then he’ll point to something that is red or say what he sees that is red such as, “a stop sign.” That being said…

9. He knows a lot of colours.

10. He has come to see prayer as an important thing before eating meals and before bed time. A couple of times in the busy shuffle of the day I’ve nearly forgotten (it is part of the routine after all), and he’ll say, “Pray Mama” and fold his hands. I love it!  He also still loves to cuddle. I call him my little cuddle bug.

11. He’s learning the difference between good and bad choices and is doing well making good choices. Although he has a strong will (as any 2 year old does), he has a sensitive spirit and knows when to say, “Sorry.”

12. He is a home body and a child who does well when he knows what the day holds (because he LOVES to be home and loves routine.)  From the time he was a baby he’d kick and giggle when we’d arrive home after being away, so I’m not surprised that now when we go away for the weekend he’ll say, “Home Mama. I wanna go home.” He travels well and does well in other environments, but he is always happy to return home.

And now for your viewing pleasure a couple of photos.  The first is of James’ first kayak ride.  We went as a family on the Kennebecasis River.  The second photo is of James with his buddy Gavin the Groundhog. Why a groundhog? James was born on Groundhog Day. I couldn’t wait to give him this because he has such a great imagination.